For decades—maybe even longer—it was believed that women didn’t get sexually frustrated. Men were the ones who suffered from blue balls, and that women didn’t especially want or need sex.I’m here to tell you—sexual frustration for women is real.
Saying that women don’t need sex is a fallacy, and the truth is we get just as sexually frustrated as anyone. Although we don’t get blue balls so to speak, we do get our own version where our vulva, vagina, and clitoris get extremely sensitive. This condition doesn’t have a universally recognized name like blue balls but has been called, blue clit, blue bean, blue vulva, or pink balls to name a few.
Whatever you want to call it, it’s an aggravating and uncomfortable state of being. The feeling of being sexually unfulfilled can affect your behavior, your attitude, and your stress-levels. It’s hard to ignore it when your body is jonesing for sex. It’s time to learn how to deal with sexual frustration.
If you’ve never been sexually frustrated before (and believe me, that’s something to be grateful for), the signs of sexual frustration include being irritable, easily annoyed, and distracted. It may feel as if your body is screaming at you to go out and get some sex right now or suffer the consequences. You can also feel the exact opposite as if sex is the last thing you want.
Being sexually frustrated isn’t just something that happens when you don’t have a partner; you can still become frustrated if your sex life has become stale, there’s dysfunction in the sexual portion of the relationship, or you’re just not connecting on a sexual level.
Psychosexual relationship specialist Jacqui Olliver believes that for some women being unable to reach a climax is what causes their sexual frustration. “Sometimes this [inability to achieve orgasm] is due to her (male) partner experiencing a “malfunction” such as ejaculating early or losing his hard erection and her not having enough time to complete the act herself.” However, it’s unfair to put the blame solely on the man. “Other times, it’s due to her mind becoming distracted during sex. Questioning herself with, ‘Is this an orgasm?’ or mentally contemplating her to-do list, not only confuses her brain but prevents her from reaching an orgasm.”
Ms. Olliver goes on to offer a solution, “Her [the woman who isn’t orgasming] brain needs specific signals throughout the sexual activity to activate and complete the orgasm program. When she understands the mental, emotional, and physical mechanics of sex, she can not only have complete control over when she orgasms but can also turn arousal on and off with ease to prevent sexual frustration.”
Reprogramming the brain is well-known tip for how to deal with sexual frustration, but there are additional things you can do.
How to Deal With Sexual Frustration
…..because a blue vulva isn’t fun for anyone.
Think about what could be causing you to feel sexually frustrated:
The first step you need to take to feel better is to determine what it is that’s making you feel sexually frustrated. Has your schedule become so full that there’s simply been no time to engage in sexual activity? Or is the sex you’re getting not satisfying? If the zing has been zapped right out of your relationship, there are ways to recharge it. Try to come up with some solutions to your problem and work out what your first steps should be. Once you have an idea of what’s needed, take action.
Focus on Your Breathing:
While we all breathe, we don’t all take the time to make sure we’re breathing properly. When you make the effort to engage in optimal breathing, you feel better, have more energy, have less anxiety, and feel happier overall. You should breathe in and out through your nose and from your diaphragm (meaning the air you breathe in your nose should go all the way down to your belly). Breathe in rhythm with your body, slowly, and calmly.
Watch Some Porn:
Oddly enough, watching porn can be helpful in terms of sexual healing—if you’re having some issues that are getting in the way of enjoyable sex, put on an X-rated movie (there are some made especially for women by women). Don’t underestimate the power of visual stimulation.
Masturbation is the solution to so many problems! If you need permission to masturbate, consider it given. When you’re feeling sexually frustrated you have to take things into your own hands—so to speak. Relax and enjoy the sensations. Think about how much better you’re going to feel once you’re done. Stacey Herrera, intimacy coach recommends slow masturbation, “Rushing is the #1 cause of female sexual frustration. When you slow down, you prolong the experience of pleasure. Take the time to discover your erogenous zones. Build anticipation by making yourself wait, stop before you arrive so you can have the experience of being fully aroused. Learn what feels good, so that you can clearly communicate your desire.”
Indulge in Your Sensuality:
There are times when we get so focused on climaxing that we forget about the pleasures of indulging in our senses. Now is a great time to reacquaint yourself with your senses. Sensuality can be as gratifying as sexuality if you let it. “Different from sexual self-pleasure, sensual self-pleasure is focused on all of your senses. Think of self-seduction as using the five senses,” says Michelle Baxo, women’s love, and dating expert. “Lighting candles, gentle slow touches across all parts of your body, and bringing mindfulness to baths, sunshine on the face, etc. Experiencing pleasure with all your senses is very soothing to the sexually frustrated.”
Channel That Energy Somewhere Else:
Now’s the time to do the spring-cleaning of your house or start that novel you’ve been wanting to write. You’ve got pent up energy, so put it to good use and direct it towards something that needs to be done. Sitting in sexual frustration will only make it more difficult, so channel towards something positive. Start right now so that by the time you’re done, you’ll feel much better and you’ll have accomplished a goal and possibly obliterated your sexual ache.
Sex-care is like self-care, with special attention being paid to the things that make you feel aroused, desirable, and hot. Get a sensual massage, treat yourself to a facial or a mani/pedi, or do a V-steaming aka yoni-steaming. Think of it as getting ready for a sex-date with yourself and lesson in how to deal with sexual frustration.
Try Something New:
An easy way to shake things up in your life is by doing something different and trying something you’ve never experienced before—this could be a new sex position, a new technique, or a new location. Surprise yourself by experimenting and getting out of your comfort zone.
Another tip for how to deal with sexual frustration is exercise. You can burn off your sexual frustration by working out hard at the gym, going on a hike or rock climbing, or doing any kind of intense workout. “Exert energy,” says Michelle Baxo. “Run fast, lift weights, etc. Push yourself physically to release that built up energy in your body.”
Take Up a Sex Hobby:
Take up a sexy hobby and do whatever makes you feel sexy—maybe it’s taking a pole-dancing or burlesque class, performing in a real-life sex stories show, or joining in some cosplay. Whatever gives you the freedom and opportunity to let loose and express yourself. If you’ve always been curious about a certain fetish or kinky, do some research and then maybe find a meet-up group with similar interests.
Read Some Erotica:
Sometimes it’s fun just to read a trashy novel and imagine yourself as one of the characters. “I highly recommend reading erotic fiction regularly, because (1) the imagination is a very important part of the sexual experience and reading is a great way to get new ideas,” says Stacey Herrera. “And (2) reading about the sexual experience of others can be a huge turn on. Your erotic self cannot develop in a vacuum and reading offers a safe, risk-free way to explore the possibilities and reduce frustration.”
Participate in Virtual Sex:
Remember the mind is a sex organ too, so use some technology to help scratch that itch! Engage in cyber-sex, phone-sex, or virtual reality. It’s fun as long as you’re upfront with your needs, there’s no emotional involvement (if no one wants any), and there isn’t any danger of anyone getting hurt.
Engage in Touch Therapy:
Go to a cuddle party or have a one-on-one session with a professional cuddler. As humans, we crave physical contact with others and cuddling is a great way to satisfy that craving. It may help you to feel intimate and satisfied. Michelle Baxo suggests hugs. “Ask for hugs often. It will help.”
Have a Girl’s Night Out:
There’s nothing like hanging out with the girls to make you feel better. You can engage in talk therapy, have fun, and possibly get distracted from that annoyance in your lady-parts. Your friends will help you relax and de-stress, and that’s the best medicine of all.
Take a Bath or a Shower:
A cold shower is a well-known tip for how to deal with sexual frustration. Submitting your body to bursts of cold water can invigorate your body’s circulation and increase your energy levels. Just don’t spend too much time in the cold water—you don’t want to turn into a sexually frustrated popsicle! After approximately 30 seconds, switch to warm water. If you’re a bath fan, throw in some bubbles, put your legs up with the faucet in between, and direct the stream of water onto your nether regions (lady garden? private parts? vajayjay?) and enjoy your DIY water-vibrator.
So, take charge of your sexual health, and turn that sexual frustration into sexual satisfaction. Say good-bye to the blue vulva and hello to the ecstatic vagina just by allowing yourself to put your needs first and focusing on your own pleasure.