In a shocking turn of events, a woman who wed herself, Kim Berlin, 37, has filed for a divorce. “It’s just not working out,” the New York City graphic artist said, “I’m not enough for myself anymore.”
While more and more single people are taking the plunge with themselves, Berlin is calling it quits.
Marriages don’t come with a guarantee that they will last, not even self-marriages, and Berlin is certain that hers is over. “It’s not that I don’t love myself,” Berlin said. “I’m just not in love with myself.”
Sologamy—the act of self-marriage is now a viable option for singles. Dava Rivas, life-coach explains, “Self-marriage is self-love, and by committing yourself to yourself, you’re saying that self-compassion and self-care are as important to you as any kind of romantic relationship. Sologamy is a beautiful pledge that you give to yourself, and a promise that you’ll hold that love for yourself above all others.”
Making a life-long commitment to anyone, even yourself, shouldn’t be entered into lightly, even if the process is as easy as buying a self-marriage kit from I Married Me.
According to their website, “I Married Me’s inspiring self-wedding kit comes complete with a perfectly simple unisex super skinny handcrafted ring. I Married Me Self-Wedding In-A-Box also comes with ceremony instructions, vows, and 24 affirmation cards (so you can continue the practice).” All of this for around $200 depending on what kind of ring you choose.
Most self-marriagers plan their wedding in the same way as traditional couples do with decorations, flowers, and a gathering of their nearest and dearest. However, once the party is over and the honeymoon has been taken; the real work of the marriage begins. When you’re married to yourself, most of the responsibility of your marriage falls squarely on your own shoulders.
“During the first few years of my marriage, everything was great,” Berlin said. “I felt empowered especially since I no longer needed to wait for someone to rescue me; I could rescue myself.” But over time, Berlin’s excitement began to decline. “I felt bored, lonely, and there were no surprises-- I always knew what I was going to do or say next. I took everything I did personally. In other words, I was full of myself and not in a good way.”
To everyone else, Berlin’s marriage appeared happy and healthy. However, Berlin knew that there were troubles in her relationship. Everything changed drastically when Berlin’s resolve to make her marriage work was tested.
“I met someone, and although it started as an emotional affair, I knew I wanted more. I started hiding things from myself and sneaking around. I felt guilty when I wanted to spend time with him rather than by myself.”
There are many reasons that a marriage can fail: a lack of communication, financial troubles, intimacy issues, and infidelity. When you’re married to yourself, these issues can still arise. If the foundation of your self-marriage isn’t strong, your relationship will fail.
Berlin admitted that there had been intimacy problems in her marriage. “I wasn’t always in the mood when I wanted sex, so I just went through the motions. There were times when I faked an orgasm, just so I could get some sleep.”
In the end, Berlin wasn’t able to make her marriage work. “I’m hopeful that I can get through this process with very little animosity. I’m grateful that there won’t be any kind of custody battle or division of assets. I know that in time I’ll be able to heal enough to be my own best friend again.”
Divorce is never easy, and as Berlin is finding out, it’s especially hard if the person you’re divorcing is you.
One of the questions that Berlin is often asked is why she has to go through a divorce in the first place. Since she’s the only person involved, why can’t she just take off her wedding ring and pronounce herself unmarried? “There’s a part of me that secretly hopes I can work things out with myself. I need to send a clear message to me so that I am able understand that I made my decision and this marriage is over--it’s time I moved on.”
When asked if she has any plans to wed again, Berlin appeared optimistic. “They say marriages are better the second time around, so it’s a definite possibility. There are a lot of benefits when you’re married to another human being. For example, there are no tax breaks when your spouse is yourself, and have you ever tried to win an argument with yourself? It’s not easy!”
Berlin has asked for people to respect her privacy during this difficult time.