Anonymous Source Confirms That Redheads Possess DNA Linked to Superheroism
Since researchers found that redheads are amazingly resilient, an anonymous source has come out and anonymously confirmed shocking rumors.
A top-secret government agency who is in charge of all things superhero is set to unveil their newest recruits.
Based on findings published in various medical journals, scientists have shifted their efforts from creating rings that give the wearer unique powers to the training of redheads on how they can utilize their own superhuman abilities.
“The results are impressive,” confirmed a government source who asked not to be identified.“We knew that people with red hair were different, but what we didn’t know how truly special they were.”
Redheads have many unique genetic traits that make them excellent candidates for the Superhero Program. Studies found that while redheaded individuals are known for having fiery tempers, they’re better able to manage their anger than the Hulk and Jessica Jones.
Redheads don’t have the same kind of lame-ass abilities that X-men Zeitgeist and Eye-Scream have like spewing acidic-vomit or turning into melted ice-cream. Redheads can’t produce carbon-copies of themselves or control weather, but they’re very good at leaping not unlike Black Panther, and they tend to be left-handed which makes more creative and better fighters according to a 2005 French study.
Redheads are abnormally resilient and have a higher tolerance for pain, so there’ll be no need to construct a special suit for them saving the taxpayers millions of dollars. Since Gingers need more anesthesia than other people, it’s going to take a much higher dose for an evil genius to knock them out, giving the redheaded superhero time to come up with a plan to thwart the villain and save the world from extinction.
Bees are known for being extremely attracted to redheads, so researchers are confident that with a little training, a redheaded superhero should be able to control their own army of bees to do their binding, not unlike Ant Man and his ants. Experiments have begun to explore if a radioactive bee-sting could result in a poison-tipped stinger for the redheaded superhero to use in combat.
Another surprising trait that redheads possess is that they smell better than non-redheads. This may not seem like a superpower at first glance, but if the superhero is fighting crime all night and doesn’t have time to take a shower before changing back into their alter-ego, their co-workers at the newspaper, law office, or philanthropic organization will appreciate them not stinking the place up.
“Gingers have been the butt of jokes for too long. It’s time for our unique skills and talents to be recognized,” said Bob Rosa, spokesperson for R.A.G.U. (Redheads and Gingers Unite). “We haven’t been this happy since our demands that a redheaded emoji be created were met.”
As of this reporting, nothing definitive has been agreed upon for the superhero name, but the top contenders are: Ginger Snap, Fire Top, Match-Stick, and Flame-Thrower.